Just move on and find some ass kissing, ball licking, male idolizing shit you can handle because this ain’t it.This is messy and disjointed. It’s a salute to poor male minds. I’m just being observant in a degraded situation. There’s an emphasis on the degraded and tacky epithets because that is what is deserved, called into existence and that is all I can muster irregardless of the alcohol I have ingested amongst the company I have just kept. Intelligent exchange demands intelligent exchange. This isn’t that and I will take full advantage of my self-given free pass to act a fool amongst fools. I will not waste my time on contriving, weaving, building or constructing beautifully knit language just because I am capable. Fuck that – men are fucking assholes and they need a damn slap upside the head sometimes.
I sat alone and in my own space in the clubhouse. Apartment living has been designed to enhance community, therefore a shared space, nicely designed in hotel style is open to all residents as a party room, loft area as a business or communal area all with free wifi. Great – get out, do work, alone, privately. the business of one man along with his younger man became mine to ignore or help. I helped. Some idiots might see a woman helping as her own way of saying, “I’m interested”. Only dumb-fuck egotistical emotional dolts see it as that but it’s not a rare perception on a males part. It all depends on how and where he was raised. OMG, I can’t stand conservatives at this juncture of the story because I have had my own level headed, humanistically kind gestures of a fucking smile misconstrued as flirting, inviting or a green flag. Again, men can be fucking assholes and some will still wonder why women hide the fact that they have been raped. ( YES – I SAID HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY WERE RAPED) I’m getting all frothed up so let me back track.
These two men that I assisted because they forgot or lost their damn key to get in and out of the clubhouse both started to come onto me. Seriously, everyone, I’m what you would call old and I’m not anywhere near being able to go forth into the world of dating because of my reasons I won’t get into- just to save time BUT 2 men were friendly, intentional yet very vague in movement toward me. To save time in telling the story, these two men both SAID they were attracted to me. Realize that I was THE ONLY VAGINA in the room. I’m being crude to make a damn point that neither admitted to but as a female, it’s an important fact. I am older than the younger by ??? 15 years maybe 10 and the same age as the older one. I was doing work that I needed to do but I was not going to act like a bitch and coldly brush them off because I’m not a cunt unless you push me to be one. Common courtesy and being in a shared communal space lends itself to friendliness but I couldn’t have predicted or prepared myself for these two. At one point I asked them if they normally acted as a tag team with women because they were very complimentary and the whole thrust of their interaction was that these 2 friends of 20 years both found themselves attracted to the same woman in a damn apartment clubhouse. It is as stupid as it sounds because I for one would not put myself into a competition for a man I just fucking met because I don’t know enough about his ass to pit myself against a friend of decades. Seriously – asinine move there. I don’t care if I was a rolled up combination of Beyonce, Pippa, John Legend’s wife and the most desired porn star – it’s horrible to put yourself in a position of desired higher ranking from someone you know jack shit about. Only an ass does that because only an ass would give up power so easily. YES, I”M JUDGING!!! These two men were doing that and frankly, I didn’t know how to diffuse it. I’m upfront but how do you answer the younger one when he says that I have all the power…that I can choose one or both of them. Did he mean that they wanted a threesome because that’s what I was reading but not saying. Did he mean that I could choose to see both of them because that is what he alluded to as I stated that I didn’t understand what they were really asking me. I stated OUT LOUD that I’m a little dense so directness is what I deal with much easier than vagueness. Being friendly but ALWAYS observant and full the fuck of discretionary judgement that will always fault the weakness of sycophantic, desires. I had a lengthy interaction with them while I also said out loud that I was very flattered and just because I was being very logical, I knew that I would think back and be flattered that these 2 men – old friends – were vying for my favor.
One said, How can we continue this? What could we do? I suggested barbecuing the next night and they said yes. They both were laying low in the asking for specifics – well, except for the one my age who did ask me to go see a movie we both found interesting. Points for him to be fucking direct. I’ll skip the drooling complements but I have to say that calling me “amazing”, on the right vibration, and whatever quick adoring, unrealistic quality made me distrust their ability to discern quality because they have no damn idea what my character is. I could have someone locked up in my bathroom and they have no clue.
SO, a barbecue it is. To listen to them both yesterday, you – I thought that they would have SOMETHING for the barbecue. I did say that I had bought enough chicken and I was going to cook a pasta with an artichoke antipasto. I was covering myself but I did make sure that I had enough to share. That’s only fucking RIGHT! By the way they made me out to be fucking EVE and the damn PENILE PIED PIPER due to my fucking common, low brow, logical answers or responses to their push of perceived magnetism to an extremely casual female, unmade and not dressed to impress and I’m not some uniquely fashioned jack pot of genes. Little do they know that I was tweezing my eyebrows and removing the foul sweaty smell from a hot day just before I met them. They both live in the same complex. I decided after the dust settled and after the fact that I couldn’t get off masturbating last night BECAUSE they popped into my head and they did NOTHING for me. I know that’s not a fair scale to measure my experience with them by but YES IT IS. I would have to tell them both that I’m just not ready to think about being in a relationship. I had already gone over the fact that I don’t care to have one night stands.
HERE’s the part that just kills me. Here I am, getting ready after going to the store to get something to grill. Yes, I bought enough in case the retards ( I use that in the old way where retard means “stupid fucking asshole”, not referring to anyone genetically designed to have less brain function than the average human in some way. I have intentionally enjoyed and still will choose the company of any such person over many of my own family members. There’s a sublime freedom in “Free to be You and Me”)
Back to the stupid shit – I washed vegetables to grill. I bought wine but still took my Orange Cream, Vodka ingredients because it was a hot day and wine wasn’t as refreshing sounding. I brought forks, pasta and a sauce. I brought everything I would need and I figured that even though I texted them that I had enough chicken and pasta, they still had things to bring but I’m not their damn MOTHER. They need to think on their own – about the AMAZING woman, about the woman they both were interested in… They would SURELY carry on in that attitude and perhaps …bring a special drink… bring some delicious side that went well with any barbecue. I thought that one could bring a dessert. No one talked about a dessert and there’s tons of fruit around. Fucking something should have been in their arms for everyone.
Neither brought a thing. They relied on me. I’m THAT fucking amazing. Good thing I was taking care of my own self and hunger. Good thing I had a damn fork to turn the meat and the zucchini on the grill. Good thing I HAD ICE and soda for the one who doesn’t drink alcohol. Good thing I had the pasta and the antipasto sauce OH – AND the bottle of red wine that one of them drinks. He drank the bottle except for the last of it I threw out as we spoke about Bill Cosby, the serial rapist, that they both denied with their chauvinism deeply embedded – flawed and fucked up male dominated belief systems.
Seriously – they brought nothing. Fucking assholes. They both sunk. They had no chance anyway but they obliterated any future possibilities. Men can be such idiots!
This made me realize how messed up I am and also how far from ready I am to dating seriously. I am /I feel inept and that’s NOT said for sympathy. I didn’t share a whole lot but I still believe that there are more good people than bad.
I’m skipping the WHOLE discussion of why some women wouldn’t come forth as a rape victim which was brought on by their disbelief of 50 + women’s stories. They were NOT informed on the stories of any of the victims and they asked me to tell them how or why the women were raped by Bill Cosby. “What did he do, tell them to take the drugs?” They were horribly uninformed and I didn’t let them get away with that as an excuse.
As I left with all of my things, one says, “I’ll call you”meaning tonight. I clearly say that I don’t know if my phone is charged. I had left it upstairs and there is NO benefit to me giving any more of a reason for not answering my phone. There’s no chance in hell for that to happen. They both turned me into a fucking mother supplying dinner and that is not sexy whatsoever. I might as well have worn a stained apron. They did not measure up to their mouths of yesterday and even though I was going to be upfront about myself, I don’t care to give one fuck to do that now…and I’ve sobered up!
For anyone thinking… those guys were just seeing who could get laid or layed…they’re still idiots. If I were one of them and that was my damn goal. I would NOT have relied on her to provide dinner AND I would have at least brought the best dessert and something to drink – FOR HER. I would have brought everything for dinner.
I’m not getting any favorable feeling about finding quality men out there. I fucking see myself as living alone because shit like this isn’t worth the tale.
Disclaimer following the drunken writing – apologies for the errors if it made your mind trip all about the story. The point was in this odd situation for me, these two guys were idiots and I failed to see that being nice is a waste of time. The sad sad thing is…The choice to be nice shouldn’t be a damn choice but it is. I had to be reminded of that. It is to my advantage to act with immediate discretion and judgement whilst having walls of some sort as obstacles.